And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
