seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
