my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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