be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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