Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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