He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
The uberlube is also flammable
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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