Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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