The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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