I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
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She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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