i need an iv and a liver transplant
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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