Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
