Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
i now understand why vodka
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
