Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
