We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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