You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
