You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
