Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
