Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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