the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
