how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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