not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
