She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Randomize
