Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
