I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
