Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
