Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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