You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
