Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
