she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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