Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
