Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
