I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
