I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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