I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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