That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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