@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Randomize
