U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
