i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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