the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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