Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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