Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
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