so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
