Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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