4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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