she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize