Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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