i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
