i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
