I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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