im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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