What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Randomize
