I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
