I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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