I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
