Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
