I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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