I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
