If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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